your phone is off the hook

well well well

2003-12-26T14:04:00.000-05:00

hey, i've never said i'm good at keeping journals.

i'm at my mom and dad's house right now, in lovely boston, ma. i arrived from france on dec 22 and am leaving again day after tomorrow to get back to perigueux, switch bags, and head to rome for a few days.

unfortunately, i only go online about twice a week in france, at the lycee, for a grand total of about an hour combined. i live across town from school and only go in three days a week for a couple hours each time. i never feel like going in to use the computer on my days off, unless i really need to do something.

so... france? what to say about all that. so far it has been hilarious and challenging and fun and boring and exciting and all that stuff. i have a list of highlights that i'll post before i leave my parents' that covers most of the funniest stuff that has been going on. thinking about staying over there for the summer, but maybe moving to the southeast instead of southwest? who knows. happy holidays!

oh also

2003-09-19T05:38:00.000-04:00

this story i wrote ages ago (fiction... i havent done fiction in years but i am starting to love it again, maybe more than non, even) apparently was accepted. i'm a big fan of the lit mag in question, so this is awesome.

okay, now to that packing crap

motherfucker

2003-09-19T05:36:00.000-04:00

my flight to france departs boston logan in exactly eleven hours. i need to start packing.

it's link-tastic

2003-09-13T00:33:00.000-04:00

it's past midnight on a friday night and i'm sitting in my parents house. what is that about, for reals? i had dinner with my parents and some of their friends who have known me since birth and it was actually quite nice. with six (!!!) full days left before i go, i figured i'd stay in tonight and try and get myself together, but instead here i am, sitting in front of the computer, doing nothing more productive than adding links to new pictures (look! look!).

i feel like it's been forever since i've written anything here, possibly because i've been working a lot and i constantly feel like i'm all out of words. a lot has been going on, but, since i'm not in the mood to organize my thoughts into a cohesive narrative, the bullet list version goes like this:

-the academie of bordeaux is staffed by morons. there is no other explanation for the fact that they still haven't stamped most of our arretes. as a result, few people in the academie have received their arretes and, by extension, their visas. hopefully some fax-related scenario will save the day and the boston consulate will take a break from their usual routine of rudeness and intimidation and grant me my visa. if not, i'm going as scheduled anyway and taking my chances with alternate documentation. supposedly, it's the perogative of each individual employee whether they will accept any other document in lieu of a visa for obtaining the carte de sejour so i figure, even if i get shot down once or twice, eventually i'll find someone who will help me out. risky, perhaps, but whatever, i'm not known for my rational and responsible decision making skills.

-everyone MUST read "we wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families." it is compulsory. it should be, at any rate. this book is truly unbelievable. if you don't think it's possible for a written work to shove you up against the limits of rage and sorrow, this book will prove you wrong. i'd love to talk about it at greater length, but it deserves its own space and i'll never shut up if once i start. suffice to say that the actions of the UN, US, and France in regards to the 1994 genocide of the Tutsi people in Rwanda are not only shameful, they are byond my comprehension. i've always believed that there has to be a point where our sheer humanity must override everything else, where we can set aside our missplaced pride and selfish interests to just do what's right. the hope that somehow we can escape the cycle of violence and anger lingers somewhere, the idea that maybe for once something bigger and more important than our petty interests can factor into policy and action. yet, as the incidents recounted in this book show, that belief, that hope, just fade away more and more with every passing year and every mounting atrocity. it's easy to deride to US government now (helloooo, look at who's in office), but to see the blatant politicking and mishandling of events, at the cost of countless human lives, by an administration i actually believed in (Clinton's) is nauseating. i really believe everyone should read this book carefully and seriously, and try to use our position in the world, as so absurdly privileged beyond all reason, to do something.

-i really really really like that pharrell song. i don't care if his falsetto sort of sucks, it's still the best. although, i have to say, i was totally disappointed to find out that the first line wasn't actually "don't wanna sound full of myself-a-roo." it's similar to the dismay i felt what i realized that justin timberlake wasn't really saying "let's fly away to sweden." oh well, at least i finally got that whole nelly-pole thing.

-i finally got ladytron's light&magic (a year late, i know, but whatever, i'm poor) and it is amazing! "seventeen" is still my favorite track, but the whole thing is fabulous. check out the Emperor Nortonwebpage for sample tracks from them and many other fabulous artists.

-dance music. it weirds me out that people don't like it. i used to listen exclusively to emo and post-punk indie and, as much as i could still die for jets to brazil most days, and even still occasionally break out the hot water music, i really cannot imagine a life without party music. after a long day, there's nothing better than putting your thing down, flipping it, and reversing it, shaking that ass to something hot. i love love love going to clubs and good DJs and dancing. it's the same high i get from running, the feelign of having no worries, cares, or thoughts, really, except how good it feels to be moving and really feeling my body. plus dance music kind of runs the gamut from indie (ladytron, miss kittin, fisherspooner) to mainstream (kylie, justin) and well beyond (funk, disco, new wave, synthpop, etc.), so there's something for everyone. well, everyone except album-oriented rock people, i guess.

-i still, despite my best efforts, like country music, especially the really intricate story-telling songs with fast tempos

-speaking of country music, the world is a little sadder and a little poorer today for the loss of johnny cash, at 71. i have loved johnny cash for longer than i can remember. just his voice, on any note, saying anything, alone can make my body break out in goosebumps, and his msuic tapped into what is sad, hopeful, and tragic in all of our lives, all the time. i think johnny cash's greatest talent was his ability to make everything he sang wholly his. listen to the multitde of incredible covers he put out on his American Recordings albums: U2's "One," Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down," Nick Cave's "Mercy Seat," the list goes on and on. Most recently, he covered NIN's "Hurt," a song which i held near and dear when i was going through depression my teen years. With his voice, his straight forward emotion, and his incredible, painful sincerity, johnny cash made that songresonate deeper and truer than ever before. if anyone hasn't seen the video clip yet, stop what you're doing and look at it right now. flipping through the radio while i was driving today, searching for some station playing some cash, i landed on boston's hard rock station, WAAF, playing "Hurt." to quote the DJ, at the end, "it doesn't have to be loud to rock. if you think this sucks or is stupid, you just don't get it and never will." the man in black is dead, but far from gone. and all day long, running through my head, i've had "i still miss someone"

by the way...

2003-09-01T23:00:00.000-04:00

does anyone remember the URL for that website that has every website ever made archived? i remember looking at it once and being totally horrified to see stuff from what i thought were long-dead webpages, somehow still alive in some corner of the ever-mysterious internet. looking up old webpages is a great way to embarass yourself.

rabbit rabbit on the first

2003-09-01T22:44:00.000-04:00

happy september! the summer is almost over, the high school down the street is back in session and it's cold enough at night to need two blankets. time has been passing by at just the right rate, i'd say. i'm going to france in two and a half weeks and only need to get my visa to be ready (and i can't do that until i get my arrete, so it's out of my hands).

i love the smell of autumn in new england. every time i think i'm through with this area and don't care if i never return, it turns into fall and it's just amazing. the fall always feels like starting over. i know spring is supposed to be the time of rebirth, but i feel it much more strongly in the fall, when the air cools and school starts again. even the leaves falling makes me think the trees are starting to shed the past to get ready for the new. it's cheesy, i know, but the fall just feels spectacular. one thing i've missed the last four years of not living here has been the fall and fall colors. my street in california miraculously had some trees which went yellow and orange, but it's nothing compared to how amazing it is in new england. i'm going to miss the best colors, again, but i'm glad i can see the beginning on the autumn here.

on a different note, i always heard that it was good luck to say, first thing on the first of the month,"rabbit rabbit." no one i've ever mentioned that to has heard of that. come on, i KNOW i'm not making this up. i wonder where that superstition comes from anyway? i always remembered it because of that jawbreaker song.

you got to have a cravin' for the old school

2003-08-28T22:25:00.000-04:00

i've been feeling semi-ill and awful all week, which is actually a good thing because it means that, instead of going out too much and behaving irresponsibly, i have been staying at home, sleeping, reading, and running errands a lot. i even started cleaning and organizing myself, which is possibly my least favorite thing on earth to do.

i haven't done anything work related since monday, though. that's only three days but it's still bad. what i need to do is become stricter with myself when it comes to setting hours and times to get things done. i'm hoping that the limited computer access i'll have in france will make me work in a more efficient manner. i'm supposedly moving up to associate editor at the other job, too, so i should be more proactive than i am. i am, however, making great progress on my latest story. by tomorrow afternoon the first draft should be done and then it's the fun fun fun times of rewriting and editing. i think it's funny. i don't know, i'm too tired to tell.

my daddy-o got back from india late last night. apparently, british airways thinks it's a fine idea to leave india in the morning, thus wasting an entire day to travel and ending up jetlagged like a mofo. way prefer lufthansa and the evening departures, easier to sleep through and better chance at escaping the worst of the jetlag. i love my dad so much, he's such a nutbag. he apparently was reading up on the latest fashions in madras, so he could get me something. the thought was really sweet and one of the shirts he brought is actually remarkably good looking, but the other two tunic things he gave me are, without a doubt, the ugliest things i have seen in my life. seriously, i am mystified as to why my dad would think they were good looking and, more to the point, why i would like them. i actually love them even more for being so ugly and am totally going to take them to france with me. how could i not? they're pretty fantastic, and i love the idea of my dad in a shop in madras, looking at orange and purple batik tunics and thinking, "my daughter would really love these!" my dad is so awesome, i can't even explain it.

our whole house has smelled like india since my dad got back. it's amazing how so few things can scent our entire place so quickly. for me, smells and music are the two most evocative stiumli. when i was trying on the stuff my dad brought, all i could think about was the last time i was in india (3 years ago) and where we went, who i saw, what happened. it really felt, for an instant, like i was back there. i have no idea when i'll next have the time to get to india. i'm thinking perhaps next summer or winter, work and whatever else may happen be damned. i haven't seen my grandparents in way too long. i should have gone with dad, but with all this moving stuff, it seemed like a bad idea...

so wesley willis died last week. wesley willis was so hilarious. how can you not love "rock and roll mcdonald's" and, my favorite, "cut the mullet"? the whole wesley willis thing is kind of amazing, when you think about it. supposedly, he was homeless on the streets of chicago when jello biafra "discovered" him and signed him to alternative tentacles. he went on to tour with the best bands from the label and achieve way more fame than most of them. some might say he was cruelly exploited, seeing as how he was certainly mentally disabled, but i think he's an example of someone exploiting themself (is that a word? i don't think so), and brilliantly. i think he was a lot shrewder and more on point than people realized, which gave him a lot of power. honestly, his stuff was incredible and hilarious and bizarre and it's really too bad that he passed away so soon.

oh, i had to change the commenting thingie on this page because the old server sucked and kept going down. too bad because there were actually some interesting comments. alas.

venus as a boy

2003-08-26T19:58:00.000-04:00

i didn't go to work today so i could rest and fend off the end-of-summer cold i can feel coming on. while i was sleeping, i had an amazingly mundane dream about ben, lyza and josie. i woke up feeling sort of depressing, just because the mundane aspects of living all together are what i miss the most. as exciting as getting ready to go again has been, it still doesn't feel real. i got my travellers checks, paperwork, and changed currency over, my flight leaves in three weeks, but still no arrete, so no visa. i'm hoping that once i get my arrete things will feel more solid and i'll start thinking more about the next couple of months, as opposed to thinking about the last few.
on the bright side, AS somehow got his hands on tickets to see Bjork next week. i just saw dancer in the dark so i've had bjork on my mind. i'm not sure what i think about that movie, to be honest. i definitely liked it, but feel like i probably have to see it again to understand it better.
i'm going to start cleaning out and organizing everything i own tomorrow (which i keep saying every day, but i mean it this time). i haven't even been in my parents' attic ever, so it should be an adventure gettign things out of there.

bomb ass shit

2003-08-26T16:47:00.000-04:00

i added a commenting thing, thanks to the tons of other, smarter people who have recently done this to their blogs, thus giving me the idea. now my heart is full.

my new book review went up today. i'm quite pleased with it. if anyone cares, i'll point them to it, but i'm not going to link it (evil link tracking systems).

this is another piece of old news, but i love it so much i have to link it. don't click on it if you use a dial up (HUGE file) or want to preserve the artistic purity (hee!) of R. Kelly's Ignition remix. if neither of those apply to you, go look at the funniest thing i saw all spring quarter.

when you're twenty-one, you're no fun

2003-08-24T15:33:00.000-04:00

okay, so i said i was going to come back with some good story, and so story i am.

in honor of my return to france in a few weeks, i am going to recount my favorite story from when i was in paris 2001-2002. i lived on the border of montparnasse and vavin, which was a terrific place to live. my place was walking distance from one of the largest shopping districts in the city, there were about a half dozen movie theaters down the street, dozens of restaurants with all kinds of food, my gym was near by, five metro stations were within five minutes walking distance, and there was an open air market around the corner. a great neighborhood to live in, and one i highly recommend to anyone looking for a place in paris.

about three months into my stay in paris, my cravings for certain items (cheddar cheese, avacados, good mexican food, bad beer) were getting intense. through some great stroke of luck, one of my friends discovered a bagel shop about ten minutes from us, near notre dame des champs. the place, whose name escapes me, had some american theme (naturally, i mean, bagels aren't quite euro are they?) and every type of bagel sandwich was named for an american city. i can't remember specifics anymore, but i remember being horrified by the boston. i think the baltimore had lox.

we started going to this place about once every two or three weeks, usually at the same time as we went to cafe columbus, the only place where we could get american starbucks-style coffee drinks (but made with fantastic french coffee--so much better!).

well, one day, shortly after thanksgiving, i was walking to my trusty bagel shop. it was particularly cold that day, and i went a longer route than i normally did, stopping at marionnaud to look for some perfume i'd been wanting. i walked back out onto the street, and had to wrap my scarf around the lower half of my face in a vain attempt to block out the biting wind.

paris has a fair amount of beggars and homeless people on the street. i was used to seeing panhandlers in the US, so i found the parisian way of begging odd. most beggars (that is to say, not the gypsies who would crowd near large attractions, accosting and harassing tourists) simple sat in the middle of the sidewalk, not on the side, and held out signs, waiting for aid. i didn't picture this as being particularly efficient, but hey, who am i to say?

as i rounded the corner, i saw a typical looking homeless man on the street, waiting for sympathetic passers-by to drop a few francs into his hat. the only thing distinguishing this guy from anyone else was that he had a baby with him, presumably his own child. as i stopped to readjust my scarf, a woman burst from the street and up to the man.

"you should be ashamed of yourself!" she yelled at him, grabbing for the child on his lap.

"eh! stop!" the man shouted back, seeming startled to have his child yanked away like that.

"act like a man! you should go to work to support your family. you should be ashamed, using your child for begging!" the woman spat back.

at this point, the man had risen from his position on the sidewalk, and the two of them were essentially playing tug of war with the child, yelling at the top of their lungs. the kid woke up and seemed none-too-thrilled at the situation it found itself in.

around them, on the sidewalks, people continued walking, going about their business. not a single person stopped to watch or help with the man or woman. i wanted to see what would happen, but with everyone else acting like nothing was going on, i felt stupid just gawking, so i went along to my bagel shop. i never saw what happened or who ended up with the kid. mostly, i remember how everyone regarded the situation like an everyday happening, or nothing worth their time, and how warm the bagel store was once i finally got inside.

they only want you when you're seventeen

2003-08-24T03:50:00.000-04:00

i forgot how much i am not into boston. 3:45 on a saturday night and the clubs are all closed. bogus. the club scene here is really inferior to most other big cities. at best, there are MAYBE two good clubs, and the really good DJs never stop by here. i think felix da housecat played avalon, like, once, ever. it's sad. it's sad to go out dancing and not be able to hear anything really fun like fischerspoon or ladytron, or even fannypack or something equally played. def. prefer the nightlife in nyc, where you can roll out at 2am and still catch a good four hours out.

i'm stupid glad i'm going to europe in a few weeks. bordeaux supposedly has a good club and bar scene, and with car rentals during my many vacations, madrid, barcelino, even zurich aren't too far. huzzah.

met with some other area assistants today. would have been more fun if it hadn't required my getting up before noon. mornings are for getting into bed, not out of it. no, it was okay, nice to hear what other people are thinking about before we all leave. also a bit of a waste of time, as most of them won't be in the same district, etc.

i had something better to say, i think, but many beers are pickling my brain. i'll think of some entertaining story tomorrow.

behind the awesomeness

2003-08-22T03:34:00.000-04:00

so i got home at around midnight and accidentally took a nap until 2:30am. it would have been nice to just sleep through the night at that point, but nope. my body has some issue with sleeping at stretches longer than three hours.

i've been kicking ass with work lately, like call me mrs. motivated (but only if mr. motivated is cute).

i've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about how fun my friends are, and smart and entertaining. really, i doubt i'll ever know another bunch of people who are as intelligent and twisted (and lushes).

my hair has been looking so cute lately, i want to scream. i trimmed my bangs a while ago and they are at the PERFECT shaggy, fresh-out-of-bed length. i want to make out with myself.

sail away

2003-08-21T02:18:00.000-04:00

i'm on deadline and writing about independence but really blocked, so i'm going to try and jumpstart myself here.
most of what i think about when i consider independence is leaving, picking up, packing up, and taking off, no forwarding address. i woke up this morning in a panic because my CA p.o. box expires at the end of the month and i haven't sent in change of address forms to my magazine subscriptions yet. that is not independence, right? that sounds more like misplaced panic. i don't even read those magazines half the time. who has the time to sift through a 500 page VOGUE?
whenever i start to think in cliches, which is more often than i'm likely to admit, i think about running and how good i am at it. not as a physical activity, per se, though i do love to run, but in a more metaphorical sense. in the two years, i've moved eight times to four different time zones and three different countries. this year, staying at school for the entire three terms, i felt so antsy by spring that i could hardly stand it. sometimes you just want to take all of your belongings and throw them out the window, run away, right? i do.
but independence can't just be escapism because what sort of cop out is that? ultimately, is there no middle ground between hiding in an all-too-settled life and constantly fleeing anything that may resemble (gasp!) earthly ties?
i'm thinking about the notebooks of malte laurids brigge, that fantastic passage at the end about the prodigal son. rilke is right; the story is, ultimately, that of a man who did not want to be loved. some aspect of that lives in all of us, no? the safety of a life without concentrated love, where only the abstract, the universal, exists. it's like the old dialectic argument: you miss half the story that way, floating with no concrete or sense of the particular leads to nothing but the abstract, which, in turn, hides the ultimate truth of things, free from standards and community. the hardest net to shed, ultimately, is that safety net. a life rooted in particuarlity is too shallow, yes, but a life rooted in esoteric notions is too easy, too guarded. in a sense, it's as bad as shrouding oneself with laws and rules and people.
the problem with the dialectic, as hegel imagined it, is that each synthesis leads to a new thesis, then antithesis, then a new synthesis, ad nauseum. hegel imagined an end point, but it's too close to divine to be feasible. isn't there just any resting point or is independence just the constant thrust forward?

let's talk about holes in the sky

2003-08-20T15:32:00.000-04:00

i was actually productive yesterday and managed to finish an assignment. with deadlines a-loomin', however, i have to do a whole lot more. it's very frustrating how slow the whole process is, at every end. having edited plenty myself, i understand that you don't want to give someone's work less attention than it deserves and it's hard to find the time to really sit down with a piece and take a critical look at it, but it's still REALLY REALLY ANNOYING waiting around for people to send you rewrites. ugggh.

stumbled in last night and turned on the science channel. i watched a documentary about background radiation at 5am. i wish i knew a cosmologist or two because it just blows my mind and i want someone to make it make sense. it's so humbling, to think about the scale of the universe and how we can't even fathom it's size or shape or makeup. we think 1/3 is dark matter, but no one knows what dark matter actually is. the other 2/3 is supposedly dark energy, but that's even more mysterious than dark matter. all science can hypothesize is that it's causing increasing acceleration outwards. The fabric of space, time and our world is unraveling like the seam on a cheap t-shirt.

I think I would like to be a physicist. It must be nice to think you understand the secrets of the universe. I would imagine it would feel very secure, to be certain than a mathematical formula can answer questions we don't even know enough to ask yet. I can't help but wonder if any of this will ever be understood. Do you think that we finally get the answers when we die? I hope so, but I doubt it. It makes figuring out the bullshit of daily life awfully futile-sounding.

2003-08-20T00:29:00.000-04:00

i just wrote and entire entry and then deleted it because it was too vapid, even for me. ha!

i ain't no goddamn son of a bitch

2003-08-18T18:46:00.000-04:00

i just added myself to the assistants blog ring. why why whyyyyy do people insist on using the word "blog"???? it makes my skin crawl, just to type it. oh great...
also: i have "where eagles dare" stuck in my head. looking forward to danzig nightmares tonight!

tragedy!

2003-08-18T18:35:00.000-04:00

just got back from a lovely lovely three days in DC with josie. saturday night jackie came over and we got all sentimental (and drunk). shit, i'm going to miss jackie, no one can throw down the DCV like her...
was actually really kind of sad on the flight home today. who knows when i'll see junks or jos again? probably not for a long time and almost certainly never at the same time again. also last time seeing doug, tom, josh, all the boys. so sad! graduation wasn't terribly tragic, being all "see you in a month or two" but this time it feels real. i'm going to france in a month and my lovely friends will still be in new york, boston, dc, san francisco, where ever they have been flung, and we are all shitty poor recent grads, so who knows when we'll all be able to see each other? the only real upshot i can see is the absurd amount of paperwork i'll have to do when i arrive in france, which should be a distraction.
the only thing missing saturday night was hmh, which would have completed the ridiculousness. suckily, she was in boston yesterday while i was in DC. tragic, again! i guess that means i'll have to drive up to NH to see her before i go, which, knowing my driving skillz, should be an adventure.
vaguely surreal to be hanging out in dc and running into gaggles of stanford people (boy meets world! boo), like it's already, only two months later, too far removed. similar to that party at mary's in nyc, just weird to see everyone, knowing we won't be going back to CA in a month.
this weekend was filled with bizarre coincidences, not the least of which was hanging out with yet another native of geneva, OH. whole thing was topped off with a gloriously unexpected call from ben, stuck in yosemite, and a typically hilarious and high-pitched phone message from miss elizabeth dayton at 4 am. i think the number one thing i'll miss in france is random drunken phone calls in the middle of the night.
also, i know i was really lucky to make it through college with very few, if any, hangovers, especially given the amount of vodka that flowed, but this new thing of getting hungover all the time has got to stop. it just makes me feel old. when i was eighteen i could drink until 5am every night and still make it to my 9am classes. now i just lie in bed until 4pm holding my head and moaning. i have got to remember to leave my bedside water bottles out.
in other news, i read "the nanny diaries" on the plane back to boston. typically crappy fluffy no-brain nyt bestseller's fare, but entertaining. i'm way behind on writing and editing stuff myself but sort of don't care.
no arrete yet, one more week before the angry emails can start flying.

shit man

2003-08-13T04:30:00.000-04:00

I sitting at the computer at 4:30am on a Tuesday night writing an article about bratwurst. Oh my...

oh, the genetic betrayal

2003-08-11T03:48:00.000-04:00

I absolutely loathe children. Even my mother, who is not especially fond of little tykes herself, thinks I am entirely too cold hearted and mean when it comes to babies and small children. I wish that it were otherwise, but frankly, I look at a baby and feel nothing. Or if I do feel something, it's mild disgust.

I've started watching a LOT of the Discovery Health channel, to pass the long dull hours when I should be working or doing something constructive. They show a seemingly endless loop of shows about childbirth, babies and small children. I get so nauseated watching these shows that I usually have to change the channel. I can sit through their operation shows without flinching, but the sight of a BABY makes me want to barf.

I'm just missing the gene that makes women coo at babies. Most of my friends adore babies. Even the ones that don't ADORE them, per se, still like them quite a bit. I just don't like them. I don't think they are cute. I don't find them charming. I don't want to have anything to do with them.

I prefer my people bipedal, able to communicate verbally and of legal drinking age.

2003-08-11T02:34:00.000-04:00

The best part about these blog thingies is that I can write about whatever I want, get it off my chest (err, out my fingertips?) and then delete it as though it never existed and NO ONE can ever see it. nyah nyah nyah

2003-08-09T20:47:00.000-04:00

This is old news, but goddamn!

2003-08-09T03:15:00.000-04:00

Well well well, welcome to my new lair on the internet. Sadly, I tend to dislike the sort of person who gets all into their internet diary. I also hate all of the associated slang. Well ain't that just a kick in the head?

I have that anoying Dimitri song that goes "I am a very stylish girl" stuck in my head. uggh